Its OK to Lose

A few years ago I used to judge a lot of tournaments. It was always a good time watching people give their all and seeing the excitement when a child saw all their hard work pay off.

During one of these tournaments I was judging the kid divisions. After everyone went we tallied the scores and chose the top four. After announcing the winners I thanked all the kids for giving their best and praised them for challenging themselves. Right before I dismissed them the tournament organizer came and whispered in my ear “you forgot to hand out the participation trophies”.

Outwardly my expression didn't change. Inwardly I was going nuts. “What!? No! Not this too!” I said to myself. I whispered back “why do you hand out participation trophies?” already knowing the answer. “We don’t want the kids to feel too bad that they lost.  I immediately had flashbacks to when I played town sports as a kid. No matter who won, everyone got a trophy. I thought martial arts was better than that. We constantly talk about perseverance and resiliency. We talk to kids about how overcome challenges. This seemed completely against what martial arts is about.

In the end, it was not my choice so I handed out the trophies with a smile on my face. As I saw the kids run to their parents I heard most of them say “Look I won 5th place!!!” It practically erased the disappointment most of them had about not placing in the top 4.  

Unfortunately, I feel like these kids got robbed of what could have been a great learning experience. Losing is part of life. As adults we know this all too well. It isn’t always a tournament but maybe you didn’t get that job, win that competition, or you got turned down for that date. Either way, I bet it knocked you down a bit. I bet there was a period of time where a bad experience ruined your day, week, month, or more. In the end you got back up, dusted yourself off, and tried again. Hopefully learning from the experience and being a better person because of it.

I urge you, if you have or work with kids, don’t hide them from disappointment. Take it as an opportunity to help them work through and learn from it. It is like Self-Defense for your brain. The better we are equipped to deal with lifes challenges, the better we can overcome them. I am reminded of this quote "Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit." - Napoleon Hill.  If we don’t nurture that seed, then we lose the opportunity to teach someone something they can use their entire life.

What Is Real Self-Defense?

I bet the image to the left is not too far off from you first thought when I mention self defense (Ouch!).  Not too long ago it was close to my first thought as well. As a martial arts teacher it was also my main focus. It was my goal to prepare my students against the threat of a physical attacker.  Over the last few years I realized I have been touching on such a small part of what self defense actually is, and I must expand my thinking to really benefit the students who look to me for guidance.

Self Defense means, to me, defense against anything that could harm you. Poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, low self-esteem, lack of education, discrimination, the list goes on. In fact I will argue that working on those things is more valuable than a proper punch or kick as only a small percentage of people I teach will need to use their physical techniques.  Don't get me wrong, I do find a lot of value in learning how to physically protect yourself. I also think the things you can learn during your training can carry over into other areas of your life. However, once we expand our definition of what true self defense is, we start realizing we could be doing a lot more to protect ourselves (and to fellow martial arts teachers out there, prepare our students). Imagine if, eventually, the picture to the right was also the kind of picture people thought of when someone mentioned self defense training.

 As a teacher, I believe it is my job to challenge people's thinking. I will never tell anyone how to live their life, as it is everyones right to live the life they want. However, I feel we all should be open to being challenged by others we respect. To be willing to reflect and admit where we could use a little improvement.

So I guess you could consider this a blog about self defense. However you will not see many (if any) posts about physical technique. What you will see is my journey, the evolution of my thinking, and hopefully something that will inspire you be more of the person you would like to be.